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A cliche that never fails to make me cringe is “the eyes of the world are upon us”.

It gets trotted out by broadcasters at every national event from Wimbledon to the opening of Parliament and it’s clearly garbage.

Because two-thirds of the world don’t own a telly, half of those who do will be asleep, and most of the rest have better things to do than lying back and thinking of Blighty. Like sorting out their sock drawer.

Some deluded souls are still basking in the afterglow of what they perceive to be the latest remarkable showcasing of all that is great about Britain – the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee.

But was a global audience glued to it with envy or did the relatively few outsiders looking on see the bigger picture, and, like the Washington Post, conclude: “The commemorations for ­Elizabeth’s long rule can’t hide Britain’s much-diminished state”?

And if the eyes of the world were on us, and hung around a few days to take a considered view of Britain, would they still think it a sceptered isle, or a septic one?

Queen Elizabeth II speaks to Prince Louis on the balcony of Buckingham Palace

What would they make of the people who invented the first petrol combustion engine struggling to fill up a family car. Or the nation who created the first public railway system unable to run its overpriced trains because management and workers are at war? Or the country that created the first supersonic airliner having six-hour queues at airports where planes are cancelled because they can’t recruit workers?

What would they make of universal anger among workers who have suffered a decade of austerity followed by three years of below ­inflation pay rises now facing tax hikes?

Meanwhile, as the rich get increasingly richer, a loaded ­chancellor hands out £400 gifts to fellow millionaires to heat their second and third homes.

What would they make of the so-called Mother Of All Parliaments being led by a man fined by the police for breaking his own laws being told by 148 of his MPs that he should go because he lied to that Parliament?

A man whose anti-corruption tsar called for his resignation on the grounds that he’s corrupt.

A leader so clueless and diminished, his response to the demands for his head is to launch a Poundland Thatcher tribute act telling people on benefits they can buy their own houses. When many can’t afford the weekly shop.

Meanwhile, the only ministers offering a vocal defence, Nadine Dorries and Jacob Rees-Mogg, look and sound like freaks thrown off the auditions for ­Britain’s Got Talent because they are so darkly unhinged they frighten the kids.

What would they make of the video from an Essex hospital where A&E patients are being told they face a 13-hour wait to be seen? Or the OECD warning that the UK’s growth is set to be worse than every G20 country except Russia, citing Brexit as a major reason.

A Brexit signed off by a government which is about to tear up its own deal, sparking a trade and diplomacy war with most of Europe.

If the eyes of the world are on us, the chances are they aren’t filled with envy but pity.

At a nation so far up sh** creek not even a turbocharged paddle could save it.

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