It’s not the easiest of weekends for ardent republicans like me.
During these mass monarchist orgies we are the social lepers many would like to see swept from the streets, Putin-style, for being unpatriotic dissidents, and hidden from the world’s cameras.
All so the propagandists can keep the myth going that Brits are deliriously happy to be living in a fairy-tale land of pomp, pageantry, princes and princesses. And potholes. Lots of them. Which is another reason to steer clear of a street party.
I try to ignore the blanket coverage of the fawning goons who’ve camped for days outside Buckingham Palace to tug their forelocks at rich strangers (that’s just the TV royal correspondents) and wait for it to pass.
Besides, I may hate the monarchy and everything it stands for, but I don’t hate the Queen as a person. After all, her favourite Prime Minister was Harold Wilson, she couldn’t stand Margaret Thatcher, and her gatekeeper and best mate for the past 20 years has been Angela Kelly, a Scouse docker’s daughter.
She just needs better advisers. Take her Jubilee message: “The coming days will provide an opportunity to reflect on all that has been achieved during the last 70 years.”
Raise your game, Liz. You have a unique chance to truly unite the nation by bringing together the 25% of us who want the monarchy abolished with the 75% who don’t.
All you have to do is give this speech I’ve prepared…
“Sadly, much hasn’t changed since I came to the throne in 1952. Instead of rationing we now have foodbanks. And it’s a disgrace. I don’t want you all conga-ing around trestle tables weighed down with food when so many of my people are hungry. There was poverty in 1952 but I don’t remember teachers having to bring food into school to feed hungry children or pensioners riding buses all day to keep warm.
“So to mark my Jubilee I’m demanding free school meals for all pupils and a 10% rise in the state pension.
“Then, as now, we were outsiders in our own continent due to people living in a Victorian time warp, like Jacob Rees-Mogg. Which is sad. Talking of Old Etonians, the first three male prime ministers to serve a full term under me all went to that school, then on to Oxford. As did the last two male prime ministers. After 70 years, this is still a class-ridden hellhole.
“The entrenchment of privilege by the 6% of privately educated children has to stop, so I’m advising my government to abolish public schools. Let’s call it ‘levelling-up’.
“I’m also scrapping the Honours List so there’s no more payback for political cronies, and I’m cashing in all the Crown Jewels to give NHS workers a proper pay rise. I’m ensuring every royal has only one moderate-sized house and all our mansions and castles are turned over to homeless charities.
“I am also selling off our estates to not-for-profit cooperatives to build low-rent houses for young people who can’t afford a home.
“As a mother, let me say I agree with everyone on Mumsnet who thinks Boris is a lying turd. He has to go. And finally, also as a mother, I’ve decided Andrew’s not getting a penny for that pay-off.”
Come on Queenie, you know it makes sense.